Cricket

Posted: January 16, 2008 in Uncategorized

Last time I was in Sydney, Rugby League season was in full swing, and I actually got into it, with every pub I went to filled with TVs showing at least one game at any given moment. It was fun, it was boisterous, and it was essentially an extension of the general Australian attitude of running around in shorts, plowing into each other and generally rolling around on a nice day all in the name of a a bit of sport and a good time.

This time around, I’ve arrived in the height of cricket season, and no matter how interested or passionate anyone tries to be about the game, it simply puts you to sleep. To me, the closest I thing I can equate cricket to is outdoor dentistry. There’s a lot of people wearing white, a variety of implements and people being used that are mystifyingly obtuse in their purpose, everything seems to take an excruciating amount of time, and at some point during the whole thing you tend to start feeling very numb and perhaps drooling a bit.

I’d say the absolute best impression of what it’s like to be a foreigner trying to watch a cricket match I’ve come across is by Bill Bryson in his book In A Sunburned Country, or as it’s titled here, Down Under:

   “‘So here comes Stovepipe to bowl on this glorious summer’s afternoon at the MCG,’ one of the commentators was saying now. ‘I wonder if he’ll chance an offside drop scone here or go for the quick legover. Stovepipe has an unusual delivery in that he actually leaves the grounds and starts his run just outside the Carlton & United Brewery at Koonyong.’
   ‘That’s right, Clive. I haven’t known anyone start his delivery that far back since Stopcock caught his sleeve on the reversing mirror of a number 11 bus during the third test at Brisbane in 1957 and ended up at Goondiwindi four days later owing to some frightful confusion over a changed timetable at Toowoomba Junction.’
   After a very long silence while they absorbed this thought, and possibly stepped out to transact some small errands, they resumed with a leisurely discussion of the England fielding. Neasden, it appeared, was turning in a solid performance at square bowel, while Packet had been a stalwart in the dribbles, though even these exemplary performances paled when set beside the outstanding play of a young Hugh Twain-Buttocks at middle nipple. The commentators were in calm agreement that they had not seen anyone caught behind with such panache since Tandoori took Rogan Josh for a stiffy at Vindaloo in ’61. At last Stovepipe, having found his way over the railway line at Flinder Street – the footbridge was evidently closed for painting – returned to the stadium and bowled to Hasty, who deftly turned the ball away for a corner. This was repeated four times more over the next two hours and then one of the commentators pronounced: ‘So as we break for second luncheon, and with 11,200 balls remaining, Australia are 962 for two not half and England are four for a duck and hoping for rain.'”

And so on.

Truly, a game of gentlemen. Very, very comatose gentlemen.

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Comments
  1. mortava says:

    Hahahha oh god… 😉

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hahahha oh god… 😉

  3. rusulki says:

    Bah. Cricket is the sport of the badass and you know it. However, since you seem in need of convincing, I present to you a small compendium of cricket trash talk.
    Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match,Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: “So how’s your wife & my kids?”
    Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During a 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: “You can’t loving bat”. Smith replied to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t fucking bat & you can’t fucking bowl.”
    Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed. “Tickets please”, Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
    Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies,Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. Eventually Viv said, “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.” Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture
    we just say fuck off.”
    Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga: Healy’s legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney… “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat asshole!!”
    Shane Warne & Daryll Cullinan: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. “Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted.
    Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes: After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: “Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?” Brandes retorted, “Cos every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit”.
    Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock: After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: “It’s red, round & weighs about 5 ounces.” Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting yelled to Pollock: “you know what it looks like, now go find it.”

  4. Anonymous says:

    Bah. Cricket is the sport of the badass and you know it. However, since you seem in need of convincing, I present to you a small compendium of cricket trash talk.

    Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match,Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: “So how’s your wife & my kids?”

    Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During a 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: “You can’t loving bat”. Smith replied to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t fucking bat & you can’t fucking bowl.”

    Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed. “Tickets please”, Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

    Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies,Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. Eventually Viv said, “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.” Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture
    we just say fuck off.”

    Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga: Healy’s legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney… “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat asshole!!”

    Shane Warne & Daryll Cullinan: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. “Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted.

    Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes: After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: “Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?” Brandes retorted, “Cos every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit”.

    Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock: After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: “It’s red, round & weighs about 5 ounces.” Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting yelled to Pollock: “you know what it looks like, now go find it.”

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