The existential cha-cha

Posted: June 16, 2005 in Uncategorized

I feel I gained a bit more clarity yesterday, from multiple directions. Though at the same time, some things are coming into question that I haven’t thought about for some time. Two steps forward, two steps back. Cha cha cha.

The past two days at work were spent in Project Management training, and, unsettlingly, I enjoyed it. The instructor’s exhuberance and former life in Hawaii notwithstanding, something about the material really resonated with me. The idea of logically breaking down every step of a project, creating definable parameters, and executing with a solid plan, while infinitely boring to describe, is bizarrely gratifying. Yet, at the same time, this creates a mental divergance for me. Up until this point, I have longed to dwell in the trenches, armpit-deep in code and routing tables, scorning management as I kept the heartbeat of the machine alive. But now, I find myself strangely drawn to the dark side… and worse yet, I’m encouraged by it. But I still feel… unclean.

Recent relationship weirdness was cleared up yesterday, but in the wake of it, I’m left with nagging uncertainty. The lingering post-breakup feeling of “am I capable of having a lasting relationship” is undoubtedly no stranger to anyone but the most self-ignorant, but the fact that this has been an ongoing question in and out of relationships makes me wonder. Am I simply too casual with other people’s presence in my life to form something long-term?

On the plus side, my trip to Colorado grows more real and exciting every day. Now that the question of timing with work has been answered, the open-endedness of two weeks with only one real destination a mere two days’ drive away is incredibly appealing. A long road trip with any number of potential climbing and hiking possibilities evokes ideas of Kerouac and Jack London; travelling the roads for the sake of what’s along the way and the unknown.

And on a final note, I climbed like a man on a mission last night. Two leads, one on my first 5.10(- for using the ledges), and felt incredibly bomber. I can really tangibly feel my climbing level increasing. So many new things are opening to me in climbing.

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Comments
  1. muffster says:

    You did AWSOME last night πŸ˜€
    as far as the relationship thing goes, i think if you were actualy with the “right” person you would find the depth and capcity to continue in a realtionship for a long period of time. It is hard to find that person that makes you want to make changes in every part of your life to incorperate that person. but it is worth it to wait. there are people who can make a long term relationships work just to have the relationship. you are not that kind of man. this is not a bad thing.
    even though i am not your girl friend any more i am still the Vice Presedent of you your Fan Club. you have so many things left to experience. I think you will be willing to “settle down” when you get to that place where you can say: to quote Jim corche “I’ve looked arround enough to know that your the one i want to go threw time with” you are the kind of man who needs to actualy do that looking, like in real life. you need the experience. when you get there and you meet the right person you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt.

    • a_wags says:

      “””””as far as the relationship thing goes, i think if you were actualy with the “right” person you would find the depth and capcity to continue in a realtionship for a long period of time. It is hard to find that person that makes you want to make changes in every part of your life to incorperate that person. but it is worth it to wait.”””
      I totally agree.

  2. Anonymous says:

    You did AWSOME last night πŸ˜€

    as far as the relationship thing goes, i think if you were actualy with the “right” person you would find the depth and capcity to continue in a realtionship for a long period of time. It is hard to find that person that makes you want to make changes in every part of your life to incorperate that person. but it is worth it to wait. there are people who can make a long term relationships work just to have the relationship. you are not that kind of man. this is not a bad thing.

    even though i am not your girl friend any more i am still the Vice Presedent of you your Fan Club. you have so many things left to experience. I think you will be willing to “settle down” when you get to that place where you can say: to quote Jim corche “I’ve looked arround enough to know that your the one i want to go threw time with” you are the kind of man who needs to actualy do that looking, like in real life. you need the experience. when you get there and you meet the right person you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt.

    • Anonymous says:

      “””””as far as the relationship thing goes, i think if you were actualy with the “right” person you would find the depth and capcity to continue in a realtionship for a long period of time. It is hard to find that person that makes you want to make changes in every part of your life to incorperate that person. but it is worth it to wait.”””

      I totally agree.

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